If you told me I’d be back, I wouldn’t have believed you.
life around. Food allergies, hay fever, eczema, contact dermatitis,
oral allergy syndrome and cholinergic urticaria were words I never
wanted to speak about again. They represented trauma, pain and
suffering. They represented fear. I wanted to face the sun and forget
about the things I carefully tailored my life around to be healthy.
To be ‘normal.’ Or whatever my version of that might be.
I wanted to enjoy the outdoors without
thinking about the allergy index and whether it was safe or not. I
wanted to be excited about social events involving food and actually
eat something, for once. I wanted to feel the joy of communication
without every interaction being tainted by my negative lens of
obsessive allergy consciousness.
self-imposed beliefs that would suddenly make themselves known the
second a stranger spoke to me.
blogger,” I’d reply. But I hate talking about it so please don’t
ask me anything else.
something I deal with,” I awkwardly ramble. Was I apologizing?! “I’m actually a YouTuber, singer and artist,” Shut up! Are you going to tell them about that psychic side of you, too?
for approval. Why do I say
stuff like that? Why don’t I just leave it alone? Why do I feel the need to tell them that? Ughhh
|I’d like to just hide now, thanks.
Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
niece or a grandchild or some horrific experience that’ll give me
flashbacks and images of my own experiences and then my arms will start
hiving up because of my codependent empathy that I can’t turn off and
this conversation will not be fun anymore.
Because if they didn’t, I wasn’t okay.
for months. Years, even.
sense. Angry outbursts over little things. Severe sensitivity to sound. Memory
issues. Extreme confusion for hours. Tremors. Vision issues. Sharp heart pains. Strange floater looking bubbles of various colors that seemed to move exactly
wherever I focused my gaze which worsened when I was exhausted. A diagnosis of auditory processing disorder by an audiologist in March and convergence insufficiency by an eye surgeon two weeks later.
|Lichenified mouth from atopic dermatitis aka eczema|
rashes all around my mouth and nose had lichenified. This meant that scratching my itchy mouth caused it to ooze and now it was dried to thickened, hardened skin. Opening it meant
the corners would split and bleed.
|Five minutes later after rubbing on soy-free olive oil|
but written off as ‘part of the territory’ were getting worse…and I had no idea why.
point of only being able to keep my eyes open for between three and
five hours at the time before needing a nap. Then there were sad thoughts about the
past and anxiety-ridden rabbit
holes about the worst possible scenarios.
|During allergic inflammation, fears can overwhelm. Therapy can help.|
that managing the symptoms was the only way to alleviate the discomfort. They also knew that as with their other patients, there were good days and there were bad days.
and what I most valued. Because if my therapist didn’t know my
passions and what I most valued, how could they see who I was? I
wanted him or her to know who I truly was. Because then they would
hear the proverbial voice of the author, Byron Katie in my head
saying, “Turn it around.”
I wouldn’t accept me.”
observing people I would meet or hardly knew talking about
themselves. Going on and on to the point where you walked away
from the conversation knowing so much about them and they knew nothing about you.
interactions over and over in my head. Was I doing that? Because if I
was frequently noticing it in my reality, it meant I had that
within my consciousness or I had a similar frequency to that
asked people about themselves. I knew I wanted to know more. So no.
got to a point of realization that we don’t need to truly be ‘seen’
by everyone. Whatever impression they got from me in whatever amount
of time I had with them was okay. What people thought about me wasn’t any of my business.
I thought of me. What I cared about. What I am passionate about. The idea of not focusing on those things might seem foreign to those who haven’t lived for decades with food allergies, environmental allergies, gluten sensitivity or Celiac Disease. But for someone who had gone through what I did? This was huge.
|Focusing on the sunshine and talking things out relieves stress which in turn, boosts the immune system.|
|The fall season brings more social activities and food allergy awareness.|
I figured out the culprit of the mouth eczema.